Our very first time..

Our First time…

Initially, I was scared as my heart raced faster than the speed of light…Oh! I was confused. I didn’t know if I was ready for this just yet !  An adrenaline rush to hold you and turn you on was stronger in me today . I needed to do this now or never , you had driven me to this level of madness.

I wasn’t in a position to judge my own decisions today. But what if the world judges me ? Were we really ready for this ?  Isn’t it too early ; you and me alone for the first time. I hope we don’t hurt each other. What if I was too slow or came across too fast.

I wasn’t sure if I knew everything about this. No ,I wasn’t sure , if this was the right thing to do. This was my first time, but I so much wanted this . My mind was chanting continuously “Go for it – lets just do it baby”!! 

AND SO WE DID ! Our Very first time….

The light breeze had a calming effect on my face which was still warm and red from the apprehension and nervousness inside. We will be good at this, I knew it and this didn’t look to me as a bad decision at all .

This decision— to drive out with you today ! As we went past my society exit gate, I saw the security guard giving me a send off salute, I faked a smile hoping he didn’t read my nervous vibes . I firmly gripped you a bit more closer with both my hands, my foot closer to the brakes now. I wanted to feel in control. Wanted to come back in one piece to prove to that security guard that see ‘Madam can drive and she is back’!!

I heard my heart pound a million beats as I sat upright holding your steering closer than I usually do.I was a tad more careful today ,eying the road like an eagle to make sure I ran over no one. I also wanted to make sure nothing goes wrong on our first date-ride together. It was a day to prove myself. My confidence was at stake.The world was watching or so it seemed that day as we drove along the lanes of Bengaluru.It was the summer of  2006 ! Just you and me together !!! Oh, how much I loved you. It was Our First Time out alone …

Just a couple of meters away from home, the fear- the inhibitions left me, well almost !😉

I was more in control of both myself and you now. I was happy we did this. No regrets at all. My confidence rocked ! The sunglasses over my head which were securing my tresses from flying now came down to the place where they belong. My chin went up , abs tucked it and a sat up tall and straight. Today I felt like the most beautiful girl on the roads of Bengaluru !  As the mobile buzzed a few times getting me back to the reality of being a wife to someone !! I could see my husband called me 3 times during my adventure day out .He must have been hell worried, he had asked me not to venture alone and to wait till he comes back from work. He promised he will take me out and let me drive over the weekend…but I insisted that I was ready and could not procrastinate this any longer. I just had to do this someday and that someday was Today.

Smiling and beaming with my new found confidence and wings, I was happy and much relaxed. Dhano too, seemed calmer now.I could sense that as the drive was less jerky now. Dhano is what I fondly called my first car.

Over the years ,It is this beauty who taught me how to drive – who taught me to be fearless but cautious on the road- who taught me to wear my attitude when I drive and never let any moron take advantage of me on the road ! She taught me Never to give way to a honker who tried challenging my inner peace. My car taught me how to be a Queen on the road, Oh yes, that’s just I feel. It has taught me to be patient and roar ahead yet always be in control.

Driving her has been a pleasurable and evolving experience and in all these years she has been my best friend who made me evolve and build up my confidence. She made me Independent !

So, Thank you!  Thank you that we have always gelled so well and we have taken care not to hurt each other Eva!   Never rubbed each other the wrong way – no scratch no dents in these 10 years of driving with you !!😍

Some memories always bring back a smile ! 😌

Who am I ..

Who am I ..

I am still looking for that answer

My humble Soliloquy attempts

Seems so blank.

I belong everywhere yet I don’t owe a thing.

Came to life 40 years back.

Have behind me a lot of memories

Some are good – some not so bad.

Lots of learnings more baggage.

I want to drop each bag now, that I carry

Don’t like the way it weighs on me.

I love myself and my life

So polishing my every piece

I am sociable , yet a loner.

Faithful , yet detached.

Seeking for something

I don’t know what

Search is on before my soul is despatched.

My life seems ticking away

And I take my time with things

Like to observe the world around

Take deep breaths when nothing is found.

Sometimes I go into a shell and

Sometimes throw my weight around.

I sense the vibes whether good or bad

Read minds too, now don’t be mad !

I wish I had known less

But yet I feel I know nothing at all

I trip over my insecurities

And I do fall.

But since my core is strong

I get back up again

To find myself each day

and to write a new song !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My School and Christmas

I went to a Convent school in Delhi and my school had a Catholic Church within the campus. As I recollect, everything about my school was welcoming & grand..The school assembly was an everyday affair as we dragged through our daily rituals of the morning prayers like Oh Father in Heaven and other sing along hymns and rhymes.The assembly invariably ended with a ‘thought for the day’ by our beloved Reverent Sisters a.k.a Nuns.

I remember, one of my favourite subjects in school was Moral Science. Firstly, because there was not much of written CW or HW given. Secondly because it spoke about the good positive virtues one ought to have in ones life. And Lastly, it was taught by one of my favourite Sisters. Sister Maria. She taught us how we should grow up to be a : Kind , Caring , Humble , Giving , Forgiving human being.. And to all these adjectives that I stumbled upon in this class, I vowed to myself that they will be a part of me as I grow up. I wanted to posses all those virtues and become a Good-Nun one day ! . Hee Haw ! Yes, I was so much in awe of my Nuns and their charisma that I dreamt of become a Nun and run a Church or a convent one day. Don’t know why , but I felt I was born to be a Nun. Period . My career was decided ! So I never missed my Moral science lessons while secretly wondering and wishing for a peek what lies underneath the white coif our nuns wore ! Always wondering if they had long hair or short hair or any hair at all !

Apparently ,my best Friend in school was a Catholic Christian and she used to attend those Catholic class while the other non catholics like me attended the Moral science class.. and even though I loved my moral science classes but still the budding nun in me was curious to know what happens in a Catholic-class and why they were more privileged  to be taken to the church more often than us!  I even started to think if being a Catholic was a sure shot way to become a Nun! I was so in love with the last surname that Christians had like Martin ,Thomas ,Lewis, Carlos as they seem to be so trendy and happening that I even picked on a few to choose from just in case my father agrees. So gathering all my courage, I shared my thoughts of changing my religion and my ambition to become a nun with my father one day. He smiled, but didn’t give me a yes or a no. My heart sank and so did my dream & career; or so I thought . The following week my father called me and gave me a framed picture of Jesus. Does that meant we are all converting ?? I was thrilled, I asked mom if she would allow me to place my frame in her little temple space that she had created in her room. Her shelf had all the Gods she believed in from Krishna, Durga, Ganpati , Gurunanak and now the God I had faith in ; adorned her shelf too. I even taught my mom the Sign of the cross and we prayed often together. As years passed by my desire to be a nun and convert my religion slowly left me. Now when I look back to it all seems so silly . So what if I couldn’t become a Nun…I am glad I could become a Super-Mum !

That was the impact of my school on me. Whilst my school made me understand the special place of my family in my life, it also taught me to embrace the good values & morals each culture-religion had to offer. And of course ,the best month in school was December as Christmas was celebrated with much fanfare and grandeur, with skits and dances, tuck shops and a trip to the Old Age Home..Each class had a small Xmas tree fully loaded with bells, balls ,stars et al.. Our very own Princy (Respected Principal) announced a prize for The Best decorated class for Christmas each year. This festival brought with it the charm of Giving and Sharing.

No wonder this festival holds a special place in my heart . The essence & The spirit of Christmas is something I have grown up with.The singing of the Carols and the sound of the bells from the churches still give me goosebumps.Though, I am not a Christian, but It’s my festival too and I feel the onus is on me to let my children feel & experience the spirit this festival has to offer.So every year we put up an Xmas tree 🌲 Decorate it with all the enthu .. Buy presents for each other and pretend Santa still exists .. Share stories and sing carols ..Watch the trending Christmas movies and gorge on the Rum & Plum cakes from our favourite gâteau shops, accompanied by a cup of hot chocolate for the kids while we wine it up !

So, lets cheers to the Spirit of Christmas and pass on the magic of this festival to our kids and to the kids at the signals who sell those red Santa caps and reindeer horns oblivious to the significance or the stories behind it. We have been Santa for our kids on every Christmas, so why not be the Santa to at least one poor child each year.

As another year comes to an end, Let’s be Loving-Giving-Forgiving, and keep spreading the cheer among our little angels, so that they continue to make good & beautiful memories in this beautiful world along the way…

Hope you have a Wonderful Insightful and Peaceful year ahead!

This Faux Pas of getting wet..

I So believe in crying. I can cry at the drop of a hat. Crying is like breathing for me. I always carry a handkerchief and a couple of tissues with me in my bag to the PTM’s ( I tend to cry at the accolades, praises or even the criticism showered by the teachers for my kids) . At the movies – my eyes go wet with patriotism for our National anthem to begin with and then to all tender,mushy,emotional moments while my quaint husband squirms looking at me as I blow my nose out. At my kids annual concerts – why ? Of course their performance on stage obviously makes my heart swell and my eyes well up ! 😭 At discourses / lectures about life – its overwhelming, the thoughts that whizz through my mind and the realisation that Oh! I am almost on my way to spirituality and wisdom. So much so for the enlightenment ! So in short any thing that touches my heart makes me cry. Crying is extremely cathartic.

Sometime back , I read somewhere — ‘Tears of happiness drop from your right eye and the tears of hurt flow from your left eye.’ Don’t know if thats true , but one thing is certain – Crying has healed me, my heart , my soul. 

So, am I weak, as I openly declare  that I do cry ? No!!  I cry to stay strong . I cry when I am unable to contain the burden of stress, worry or hurt , also because that is the need of the hour as crying makes me less angry ,less anxious,I can cry because I have a strong heart.No  I ain’t weak !

Crying has made me make peace with reality .. as confronting my feelings has always helped me move forward in life . I mean c’mon ,what’s the point in trying to be strong when you are crumbling on the inside ? If you are broken and hurt – just bleed – let it flow. Keeping it inside whether its the hurt or the tears will weaken you more than you know it.

Crying purges negative energy and allows for new, positive energy to fill us up. Even though I prefer to sometimes put up a brave front and try to let the taps on only  in my solitude moments but having said that ,I firmly believe that crying makes me reflect and introspect, have a dialogue with my own self and fix things in my head. It declutters me.

Some crying facts to ponder :-

  • There is a reasons for women crying more often than men. Women have 60% more prolactin in their bodies than men. Prolactin is a protein that affects the endocrine system, which may cause women to cry more often than men.Well then crying doesn’t make you the weaker sex – it certainly makes you much more stronger. See how we women bounce back at life and tough situation after a loud bad cry in the shower !! Oh that Shower cry is good ! You come out looking more beautiful.Really .
  • Your tears are of 3  basic types

Basal tears – which clean and lubricate your eyes.

Reflex tears – which drain when your eyes are irritated by things like onions, smoke..

Emotional tears – And this one needs no explanation !

  • According to William Frey II, a biochemist and director of the Psychiatry Research Laboratories – “It’s important that we evolved this ability to cry, if you can alleviate stress by crying , you can prevent stress damage to the heart and brain, and improve long-term survival. You See that !
  • Resolve the unresolved issues with someone with your meltdown – It is this moment when one person bursts into tears that the flow of the conversation shifts toward a more serious discussion. You crying means ‘its time to talk’ for someone and it brings along a shift in the attitude of the one who cares. Crying shows that something very important is bothering you down. Tough and rough egos makes way for a smooth communication. So,Please don’t hold back those tears, just let them roll. Let the negativity and hurt flow out. You will feel lighter – Calmer. Crying is humbling, it makes you look inward.It makes you know your true self.

And now for the Men out there – Didn’t you cry as a child ? Do you feel that this state of vulnerability would makes you look fragile ? Or , Do you feel,crying is for women alone ? The most loved President of United States – Obama has made crying look good. He has wept numerous time during his speeches quite effortlessly.

All the men out there need to learn how to let go and cry from Obama!!

Believe me when depression strikes and the going gets tough – a good cry really helps. Crying with someone or alone is better than no crying at all. Keep your male ego aside, save yourself a heart attack and let the tension stress pass out through those salty tears. No one will judge you ..

Very often, our kids whine and cry when hurt but sometimes it could only be to gain your attention. Don’t just run up to them , if the issue isn’t big and doesn’t calls for your attention just let them be. Don’t wipe away their tears , give them some time alone of course while still being around.Let your child take control of his / her emotions & tears once in a while . Tears are healers. Let them learn to self console themselves at times. Remember, you’ll be not around forever. Crying will help them reflect and self correction. It’s OK to cry sometimes. For both children and grown-ups, crying can be a healthy way to deal with a significant loss, pain or sadness. When your child expresses these feelings to you, try to listen, comfort and reassure him that his feelings are OK.

And As for me,when I pour out and cry like a child, it resets my emotional meter. I feel Alive. I feel more in control . I feel braver. So, I am not afraid of looking weak because it takes only a strong person to cry. Crying grounds me.

This faux pas of getting wet is what I am not ashamed of  !! 😉 😂